I always seem to lose my old pairs of jeans or I don’t fit into them. On Friday afternoon, I found a pair that fit great. I thought, “Awesome. Now I’ll have 4 pairs of good jeans.” So this morning, while doing my graphic design project, I got up to get something and noticed that it was a lot cooler than it was 5 minutes ago. The back pocket of my (older) jeans split open and… I’m back where I started on Friday morning.

By the way this week is going so far, you’d think someone was doing voodoo on me.

A family member of mine died today. He wasn’t really related to me, but when you have such a big family, the lines get blurred and your dad’s cousin’s spouse’s brother-in-law becomes your uncle. That’s what he was, by the way. My dad’s cousin’s wife’s brother-in-law.

I’m never at home anymore to see anyone. I only found out that he was sick again a few weeks ago, and found out he died a few moments ago. I wish that I went home today to be with his family and give my condolences. He and his family visited my mom in the hospital and I feel like such a terrible person because I never visited him.

I’m drifting further and further away from my family. I never see my cousins anymore. Growing up, my cousins were like my brothers and sisters. Everyone’s now moving away, starting their own familys, starting life, and going to college. We always say that we’ll get together and do something, but I know we won’t. Conflicting schedules, extra work days, projects, papers, and midterms. The only time we can see one another is during family parties… and I don’t go to those because my aunts hate my dad and I can’t leave my dad all alone on Christmas. My aunts… I don’t know what to say about them. My aunts (and my dad) may be in their 50s and 40s, but they’re very childish sometimes.

I’ve been feeling out of it for the past couple of days. I want to go home. I want to see my family. I want to do my laundry at an extremely slow pace without worrying about other people putting my wet laundry on the side table.

My little cousin is turning 1 on Thursday and I bought a little PlaySkool tricycle for her. I was going to assemble it today, go home tomorrow evening, and surprise them with it on Friday. My dad texted me the other day and told me he bought a laptop… so I have to check up on him and see what other crazy things he bought and did to the house. [ Last time he bought 2 giant air purifiers, a robotic cat, and rearranged the entire basement. ]

But, of course, Earth doesn’t want me to go home. It’s going to snow on Thursday and Friday. Earth doesn’t want me to go home. Earth doesn’t want my little cousin to recieve a PlaySkool tricycle on her birthday. Earth doesn’t want students at Richard Stockton College to have snow days. Earth wants California and Asia to suffer. Earth is getting revenge.

P.S. I am SO happy that Jay won Project Runway. I am such a geek. I ended up buying one of the tote bags that he designed.

I saw this website where someone took pictures of the rose petals that her significant other scattered around her room and on her pillows. My first reaction? God, I’d hate to vaccum that fucking mess up.

Denise: The Girl With A Heart Made Of Gravel
(10 points if you can tell me what song that’s from… 5 extra points if you name the band.)

This weekend has been so boring. My other two roommates went home since we have three days off. Roommate spent most of Saturday and this afternoon with her GuyFriend, and I have no one to talk to. Sure, I could go out there and talk to them, but it’s sort of like that one episode of Sex And The City where they go to Atlantic City. (specifically that scene where Charlotte finds out that she’s the only one who’s going to be taking the jet with Richard and Samantha to Atlantic City. ) They’re also watching a NASCAR race… so that’s another reason why I don’t want to be out in the living room.

I don’t like being the Third-Wheel. I experienced that useless feeling throughout middle school and a year of high school. IT. SUCKED. ASS. You know how weird it was to watch movies with my friend and her boyfriend in middle school?! I’d turn to my friend to comment on a scene and they’d be making out. Er… Sorry to interrupt your face-sucking session, but did you catch that character’s hilarious line?

More B&W Photography news: I dropped my film in the darkroom while loading my film onto the reel. What’s at the bottom of the darkroom? Light. Not a lot of light…. but LIGHT. You can see parts of film in almost every photo. Luckily, some of the good photos weren’t ruined.

That pretty much ruined my day. That and the fact that I have three more rolls of film left. I have a lot of shots that are the same. It’s really terrible. I actually took a photo looking out from a trunk at me. It’s the kind of shot Quentin Tarantino uses in all of his movies.

[sigh] I am running out of ideas how to take a photograph of myself.

To be “artistic” or whatever for my project, I bought face paint and tried to make myself look like a geisha. There are some girls out there who have no clue how to apply make-up. I am one of these girls. I am pretty sure that I looked like some kind of geisha/mime/member-of-KISS hybrid.

update (2/17):
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Happy Valentine’s Day… I changed the song: No Expectations by The Rolling Stones

( more from Beggars Banquet in the audio section )

I am pretty terrible when it comes to writing about music. I can’t describe how I feel about certain songs too well. I usually describe songs as “awesome” or “the best.song.evar.” ( Please shoot me if I ever say, “That’s hot.” after listening to a song. )

There’s a part in The Perks of Being a Wallflower that kind of describes how I feel about songs like, “No Expectations”, “Come Pick Me Up”, “The Lengths”, “Dear Chicago”, and “Moonlight Mile”. These songs seem like songs that would be playing during a moment like this:

There is a feeling that I had Friday night after the homecoming game that I don ‘t know if I will ever be able to describe except to say that it is warm. Sam and Patrick drove me to the party that night, and I sat in the middle of Sam’s pickup truck. Sam loves her pickup truck because I think it reminds her of her dad. The feeling I had happened when Sam told Patrick to find a station on the radio. And he kept getting commercials. And commercials. And a really bad song about love that had the word “baby” in it. And then more commercials. And finally he found this really amazing song about this boy, and we all got quiet.
Sam tapped her hand on the steering wheel. Patrick held his hand outside the car and made air waves. And I just sat between them. After the song finished, I said something.
“I feel infinite.”
And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I said the greatest thing they ever heard. Because the song was that great and because we all really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way.

I noticed that most of my entries lately have to do with my photography class. I am sorry. It’s all that’s been going on lately, and I have nothing else to blog about. I feel like I’m living at the photo lab and I feel like I’m one big picture-taking, film-developing machine. ( A cheap machine that produces low quality results. )

    [insert robot dance here]

Speaking of dancing…
After almost 6 years of knowing about it and shunning it, I have finally tried and warmed up to Dance Dance Revolution. My roommates borrowed it from the housing director and we played it (and hopefully annoyed the guys downstairs) until 1. These games are a lot of fun if you’re completely terrible at them. DAMN THAT BACK ARROW! DAMN YOUUUU

update:
Critique over. I am not sobbing. Next assignment: self-portraits
144 pictures of myself.

I think I’d rather have a broken bone than a sinus headache. (I’ve never broken any bones before, though… so I’ll let you know which one I really prefer when I eventually break a bone.)

I woke up at 11 with that lovely ‘head-going-to-explode-from-the-pressure’ feeling. I sat up and moved to the couch. After 15 minutes, I was in the bathroom throwing up something yellow-orange. I could be wrong, but I believe it was what was left of the orange juice I drank 11 hours before. Or it could’ve been bile. It sure tasted like what I think bile would taste like. But isn’t bile a greenish color? Can you even vomit up bile?

I’m so tired and I know it’s because I haven’t had anything to eat. I tried eating some of the Chinese food that we ordered, but after half a piece of General Tso’s Chicken, I felt like I was going to hurl again.

Being sick when you have a lot of schoolwork to do is lots of fun.

A few entries back, I wrote that I was excited about photography.

…

I have to take 4 rolls of film (144 pictures), develop the film, make 4 proofs and 6 prints… by next week. He’s doing a critique in class.

Have I mentioned that I’m still figuring out aperture and film speed? Have I mentioned that I have the worst time deciding what to take a picture of? Have I mentioned that most of my classmates know what they’re doing?

ugh. Excitement gone, replaced by Terror and Dizziness.